I was with a friend yesterday and he commented that I was a very cheerful person! The funny thing is that's just what people see on the outside. I have learned at a very young age to mask what I really feel and I could actually understand people who go through depression or suicidal thoughts because I felt those feelings myself when I was younger. I guess, that being 'cheerful' on the outside is just my coping mechanism to hide all the turbulent emotions I hide inside. I keep it well hid.
I am talking about this because of that shocking news of those two teenage boys, one was shot, the other one killed himself inside a popular mall in Pampanga. And they were just 16 and 13 years old respectively!
I had those suicidal thoughts too when I was about that age and it lasted till I was about 24 years old. It was a constant struggle really, and it even manifested in my writing. My Psychology professor talked to me one day. She said that I was such a brilliant guy but she was disturbed by the suicidal thoughts that she saw in my writing. I too was surprised because I didn't really put those thoughts out there explicitly! That became a reality check for me. And yes, my professor really helped me put things in perspective and in a way, fight the feelings of depression, helplessness and uselessness. I actually owe her a lot! If not for her......She was my guardian angel, in a way.
So, really, if you feel suicidal or depressed, just hold on, things will get better! One song that really helped me through this also was this song by Wilson Phillips entitled, Hold On. I think it's really a love song but during the days when I thought of killing myself, this song prevented me from doing so! Such is the power of music!!
Just listen closely to the lyrics before you intend to kill yourself. Things will get better soon!
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