RIP 'O Captain, My Captain' - Robin Williams as John Keating in Dead Poet's Society

We all have teachers like 'John Keating' from the movie Dead Poets Society, the first "serious" role comedian Robin Williams did which made the Academy notice that he can really act!

Cry cry talaga ako sa movie na eto kasi when the movie was released in 1989, I was at a point in my life where I could really relate to the character who was at odds with his parents regarding his choices in life. I was actually shocked that the character committed suicide since I was also contemplating on doing that. Thankfully, that movie was enough to prevent me from killing myself at 18.

It's a bit ironic that news reports have been telling that Mr. Williams apparently took his own life. Chronic depression is like a ball of iron tired to your feet, weighing you down even if you're trying to find happiness in life. Must've been really hard for him since he was a natural comic.

Anyway, the man offered the world so much joy and laughter in his movies - so it's fitting to just celebrate that - his greatest achievement and legacy to us all - and for all generations to come!

Borrowing from Walt Whitman, "O Captain, My Captain", RIP.

Still Lovin' Dead Poets Society

I just had my lunch today and I chanced upon this classic movie, Dead Poets Society, coming on in HBO, and I decided to watch it again.  As the film began and proceeded, it felt like I was just having a conversation with an old long lost friend.  And as I read the reviews this movie has online, I knew that I was not the only one touched by what this movie preached about - carpe diem!  I know all of us have a teacher very much like the character played by Robbie Williams here and how that teacher has touched our lives and molded us to the people we are now today.

What I focused more, as I watched this movie now, is how the movie suddenly had that suicide tucked into its plot - because when I saw it first, way back in 1989, I knew that if I were in that guy's shoes, suicide would be the first thing for me to do.  But now that I am more mature and more successful, that decision would have been foolish and loser-like.  And well, I saw a boy trapped and unwilling to assert himself against a domineering parent.  And understood again, why he would do a reckless and unforgiving thing.

The movie still made me cry even now.   Oh Captain, my Captain!

Don't Kill Yourself: Things Will Only Get Better

I was with a friend yesterday and he commented that I was a very cheerful person!  The funny thing is that's just what people see on the outside.  I have learned at a very young age to mask what I really feel and I could actually understand people who go through depression or suicidal thoughts because I felt those feelings myself when I was younger. I guess, that being 'cheerful' on the outside is just my coping mechanism to hide all the turbulent emotions I hide inside.  I keep it well hid.

I am talking about this because of that shocking news of those two teenage boys, one was shot, the other one killed himself inside a popular mall in Pampanga.  And they were just 16 and 13 years old respectively! 

I had those suicidal thoughts too when I was about that age and it lasted till I was about 24 years old.  It was a constant struggle really, and it even manifested in my writing.  My Psychology professor talked to me one day.  She said that I was such a brilliant guy but she was disturbed by the suicidal thoughts that she saw in my writing.  I too was surprised because I didn't really put those thoughts out there explicitly!  That became a reality check for me.  And yes, my professor really helped me put things in perspective and in a way, fight the feelings of depression, helplessness and uselessness.  I actually owe her a lot!  If not for her......She was my guardian angel, in a way.

So, really, if you feel suicidal or depressed, just hold on, things will get better!  One song that really helped me through this also was this song by Wilson Phillips entitled, Hold On.  I think it's really a love song but during the days when I thought of killing myself, this song prevented me from doing so!  Such is the power of music!!

Just listen closely to the lyrics before you intend to kill yourself.  Things will get better soon!

Easter Thoughts: How I Did My Own Resurrection

I have always been an optimist in many ways so you could say that Easter is just an extension of who I am in real life.  But that was not always the case.  I went through a phase in my young life where I even thought of committing suicide.  But I guess, like Jesus, after three days, I rose again, of course, in reality, it was more like twenty years later.  So today, being Easter, I'd like to share my thoughts on how you can have your own life's resurrection -

1.  Cut off all the negative people from your life.  Really!  Even if they're your family.  So now, except for my mother, who is one big baggage herself, I have just cut off everyone who has brought me down or made my life miserable before.  I just simply said Adios to them.  Negative people are never nice to be around with so stay FAR FAR AWAY from them.  Unless of course, you are a negative person yourself, tsk tsk.....

2.  I am an awesome person.  I am a good person.  I am a wonderful person.  I always say this everyday to myself.  As early as eight years ago, I was my own worst critic.  My self-depracation was so bad, even my close friends were alarmed by it and warned me not to be so hard on myself.  So I followed their advise and just accepted my faults and weaknesses and magnified my abilities.  Of course, without being a brag about them.

3.  Trust in God.  Everything will fall into place.  I used to worry a lot before but nowadays, I just leave it to God.  Not very easy to do since the truth is, you'd have to do your share first before things fall into place. God is not a genie and will not do things for you.  As they say, 'Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa."  If a cloud passes through my life, I just stay calm about it and believe that God will soon blow that cloud away.  And He always does.

4.  Continue to grow.  I try my best to grow physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.  Stagnation is not good and will lead to a lot of self-doubt.  Challenge yourself with new tasks and if possible, get out of your comfort zones.

Well, your resurrection will not happen in one day.  For me, it took about twenty years and it was a gradual process.  But when you achieve it, it's a most wonderful feeling of emancipation, or more self-love and more self-belief.  It's a harsh world we live in, and if we can't give off positivity to everyone, what use are we to them!

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Thanks for the Heads Up!

I was watching the TV show Nurse Jackie and one of the younger nurses made a mistake and gave a huge dosage to a famous film critic which immediately made him suffer respiratory failure.  He didn't die.  Anyhow, the next scene showed the young nurse with two senior nurses who were telling that they too committed mistakes and they said, if not for those mistakes, they wouldn't have become better nurses.  And she says to them, 'Thanks for the heads up!'

I too want to say 'Thanks for the heads up' to one special person who made it easier for me during that time in my college life when I was reeling from a mistake I made.  I had this very perceptive Psychology teacher who really prepped me up when I was in what I'd call, my personal 'Dark Ages!'.  Simply, she believed in me, and she spoke to me one day after class and said, 'You're so brilliant so why would you want to kill yourself?' 

Apparently she noticed the suicidal bent in some of my personal essays.  I knew I was turning in good work for her subject but she just could not connect that with my feelings of hopelessness and maybe despair.  She really saved me and brought me back to the light.  I am my own worst critic, and I know that, so I guess she taught me to go easy on myself.  She gave me the heads up when I really needed it.  And she gave me a grade of 1.0!  I couldn't be prouder of myself!